The owner of an obscure chain of medieval recreation hobbyist publications has purchased all the assets of media giant Gannett Inc. in an unsolicited, hostile takeover bid that included cash, letters of credit from half a dozen "kingdoms" in which she publishes, and an unspecified quantity of "chocolate Chaucers," apparently some kind of alcoholic beverage.
Sarah Rogers, who also goes by the alias "Heirusalem Crystoma," made the announcement from the annual Pennsic War of the Society for Creative Anachronism, said it will give her the opportunity to introduce a national audience to her pasttime, which apparently involves wearing funny clothes, sleeping in tents during damnably hot weather, and ordering people in yellow belts to do her every bidding.
"The newspaper-reading public needn't worry about any ... hang on -- MOIRE! I DON'T HAVE A CHOCOLATE CHAUCER! WHY DON'T I HAVE A CHOCOLATE CHAUCER? -- as I was saying, the quality of the writing won't drop, and they'll still get USA Today on their doorstep every morning," said Rogers in an exclusive interview. "Though they will have to learn to read calligraphy."
People will also need to get used to seeing Windrose Armory and DeRose's Bread Boules advertisments right next to those for Chanel and McDonald's, she said. And there will be some administrative changes in the only nationwide daily paper.
"DonalBane will be taking over the sports department, and you'll start seeing tourney results after every major event," Rogers said. "And there'll be a new front-page column, 'Og on Alcohol.' No, I won't spoil it for you -- you'll just have to read it yourself."
Rogers also said that certain Gannett executives will be forced to hand over all of their earthly possessions and live as hermits in the Arizona desert to atone for running the venerable Arkansas Gazette into the ground back in '91.
"Oh, I have no clue what that's about," Rogers laughed. "But Peregrine asked me to do it, and how can I say no to him?"